1. The call button is not a microphone
2. Disconnecting your EKG leads and playing dead is not funny to the nurses
3. Changing around the lead wires on the EKG can not make the readout say "Merry Christmas" or anything else.
4. Don't push your own IV pump buttons, alarms WILL go off.
5. There are no Dr. McDreamys, McSteamys or McHunks, there are only McChunkies, McNuggets and McMuffins.
6. Doctors don't really like it when the patient talks during surgery or wakes up and grabs the anesthesiologist by the throat (true stories).
7. The phone will always be where you or your IV or Oxygen tubing will not reach when it rings.
8. You will always realize that you forgot to put on your robe just after your nurse hooks up your IV.
9. The hospitals, doctors and nurses do not have scanners like on Star Trek to instantly diagnose and cure you so stop asking them.
10. Oxygen masks do not make you sound like Darth Vader or Mickey mouse.
11. A white robe does not make you a doctor and you can't write prescriptions or tell the other patients what to do.
12. Wii does not make an incentive spirometer but they should (this is just a suggestion).
13. Nurse Ratchett does not work here so stop asking for her.
14. Orderlies are not your personal cabana boys and they don't give massages.
15. The pool in the hospital is only for physical therapy and there is no poolside concierge.
16. There is no room service so stop calling the operator and asking for it.
This is certainly not a comprehensive list, feel free to add your own to the comments!